Ep. 3 - My Back Story
Why I’m qualified…
to teach about inner peace
Episode 3 - My Back Story
Description: The age-old adage of 'Might = Right' (which often produces an ego-driven dominance in an attempt to secure confidence), needs to be balanced with a humble, teachable, and approachable mentor who gently guides and inspires allegience. Being a genuine guide affects ones ability to stand as the expert or be the ideal icon in any field since everyone is still on their own journey of discovery. Join Christi as she exemplifies what it is to be humble. While recognizing that she has much to share that will help others, she also knows she has more growing to do herself.
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BROKEN
There was a time I thought I had my life all planned out and being played out. It had purpose and power and was independent from the world but…
All I am now… is broken.
I don’t know that I can go into the details as to how things have fallen apart - partly because it would be too lengthy and partly because I haven’t been able to pinpoint exactly what was my breaking point. I think it has something to do with unmet expectations, my life’s purpose shifting in such a way that I feel directionless, feeling my contribution to the world is extremely weak or non-existent, the obstacles are never-ending and more crippling, and the war wounds have never fully been healed.
I’ve been bucked off the horse and instead of being able to get right back on to conquer again, the horse took off- so to speak. I’m not only NOT the top dog but being the underdog has gotten to be incredibly wearisome.
This sounds all fatalistic and all and really, I have no reason to feel broken because so much of my life is extremely blessed. I have a deepening love for and appreciation of (though still with plenty of challenges) relationship with my husband. I have seven beautiful children who are progressing (at their various stages and pace) and all have thus far stayed firm in their covenant and relationship with God. I have plenty of occupation to keep me engaged in life, so much so that a good deal of it gets neglected. I still have an enduring and ever expanding love for my Savior with a fervent desire to come to know Him and serve others and still be the change I want to see in the world.
As I write the positives, I can feel the energy shift as gratitude and intentional focus does its magic. But at a deeper level, I still feel… broken. I suppose, at a clinical level, I would probably be diagnosed as depressed, but managing it well. And others might tell me to just buck up – life’s hard… so get a helmet.
As I listened to Christi’s backstory podcast, and took in the magnitude of all the difficulties she has endured up to this point, I had a mixture of emotions about my and her life’s experience. It has added to my shame that I have broken under much less pressure. It also added to my gratitude of how blessed I have really been. It added to my envy that she is feeling resolved enough to use her experiences as a light and blessing for others to navigate their own challenges. And of course, it added to my appreciation of the strength and character she is and how blessed I am to be her sister.
I don’t know how long this “broken” feeling will gnaw at my soul, or how to pull myself up by my bootstraps. I do know that I am waiting for and have a deep faith that my Savior WILL heal me at that broken level when the timing is right. Until then, I will keep plugging along in life – hopefulness mixed with defeat, diligence mixed with surrender, and on the look-out for another shift.
He is there.
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